


Nothing Good Starts In A Getaway Car

by PepperF



Series: Diego whump [10]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Bickering, Gen, So much bickering, Whumptober 2020, but it's definitely not Klaus so who handed him the keys?, car journeys with your siblings, disagreements about who amongst them is the better driver, getting shot, no one has ever said that and meant it literally, not necessarily in that order, use of the phrase ''I'm just saying'' as an opening salvo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:22:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26933548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperF/pseuds/PepperF
Summary: It's a fairly typical Hargreeves family car trip-slash-getaway."I'm just saying that lack of documentation doesn't mean a lack of ability, just because I don't have—""How is it that with six people, five of whom areactuallyqualified and—""Not to make this all about me, but I think Luther shouldn't have gotten into the back seat when there's a perfectly—""I'm sorry if I chose badly when I wastrying not to get shot, okay, next time I'll just wait for you toassign seatingbefore—"
Relationships: The Hargreeves Family
Series: Diego whump [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951318
Comments: 8
Kudos: 68
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	Nothing Good Starts In A Getaway Car

**Author's Note:**

> No thanks to Bethany for informing me that the US singular for 'hippies' is in fact 'hippie', I did not wish to know that, why is it not 'hippy', why?! ;)

It's a fairly typical Hargreeves family car trip-slash-getaway.

"I'm just saying that lack of documentation doesn't mean a lack of ability, just because I don't have—"

"How is it that with six people, five of whom are _actually_ qualified and—"

"Not to make this all about me, but I think Luther shouldn't have gotten into the back seat when there's a perfectly—"

"I'm sorry if I chose badly when I was _trying not to get shot_ , okay, next time I'll just wait for you to _assign seating_ before—"

"Did anyone see where Five went? He didn't—"

"—a tank, and I drove the cult bus from Goa to Delhi, and—"

"—don't see why Diego should have the front seat if everyone's gonna yell at me for—"

"—called shotgun! I swear no one in this family listens to a goddamn word—"

"Well if you're going to shout 'shotgun' during a gunfight you can't expect—"

"—seriously, anyone, Five? He was right behind—"

"— _just saying_ that we ought to make a plan ahead of time and stick to—"

"—your driving test, Klaus, that poor guy probably still has nightmares—"

"Guys! Five?!"

Eventually the bickering settles down, or at least focuses in on Five's disappearance. Once it's established that Allison saw him roll his eyes and poof himself away, they're reduced to the sulky silence of all family car journeys, interspersed with the occasional salty remark about certain people's driving skills or inability to sit still and not fidget when they're crushing their sister against the door, I'm _just saying_ , you could _try_ to remember that you have elbows, _Luther..._

"Well," says Klaus, brightly. "That was a close one. Luckily you had a getaway driver with as much experience as me, right?" He glances at Diego, who has his arms crossed in front of him, and doesn't answer.

"Oh, you drive during one war, and on a hippie tour bus, and suddenly you're—" begins Luther, hotly.

"I swear, I'm going to turn this car around," says Klaus, shaking his head wearily. "Right, Diego?"

But Diego's still sulking really deeply—or something. Klaus glances over again, and then again, with increasing nervousness.

"Diego?" He reaches out a hand to nudge him—and Diego's head _lolls._

Everyone screams as Klaus veers across three lanes of traffic and bumps to a halt on the shoulder.

"What the fuck, Klaus?!"

But Klaus isn't listening. "Oh, no no no, you can't do this to me too, you can't—Diego? Diego!"

It dawns on the other three that there's something seriously wrong, and they pile out—secretly a little relieved—and crowd around to the front. Allison is the first one there, and has to catch Diego when she opens the door, and push him back into his seat. He groans, which is a good sign, but Klaus is still freaking out, because _fuck, Diego, you asshole, why didn't you tell us you got shot, this is important fucking information, okay?_

Allison takes one look at the blood spreading across the front of Diego's black shirt, and nods grimly. "We need to get him to a hospital. Put him in the backseat."

"On it," says Luther, reaching forward.

"I'll drive," says Vanya.

They rearrange faster than anyone who'd listened to the previous argument would have believed, with Diego slumped between Allison and Klaus in the back, both siblings coordinating rapidly around things like compression and establishing the patient's responsiveness.

Vanya pulls out across traffic and into the opposite lane, as horns blare in protest at this outrageous behavior. She flips them off, casually, and keeps going.

When Allison's bundled-up cardigan is pressed to his wound, Diego groans, blinking rapidly as he comes back to consciousness. "...happened?" His eyes focus on Luther in the front seat. "Hey, I called shotgun..."

Luther throws up his hands. "I swear to god, if one more person—"

"Diego, you should save your energy—"

"—just say if you've been shot next time, okay, it's not something you can just _bro off_ —"

"—this entire family has to argue about every single—"

Fueled by spite, the Hargreeves family motors on.


End file.
